Thank You

Thank You Lord for my parents' broken marriage, which although still has some negative residuals, helped me relate to and reach out to messed up teenagers better. Thank you that it was also a stimulant for my brothers and I to bond over and support each other through. Thank you also for the joy of getting to see them go on a few fun dates for the first time in years just in the last month.

Thank You Lord for the church split which devastated me initially, but that helped me to grow up, and gave me the opportunity to be at a church that needed youth workers and leaders. Thanks for teaching me so much during that time and for letting me know Rachel through  leading small groups together. Than you also during that time providing me other spiritual parents to were amazing examples of godliness.

Thank You for my car accident the week before going to Egypt. Thank you that no one was hurt but through it provided me a new car  that has air-conditioning and a working radio, and that insurance provided me with more money than my last car could be sold for.

Thank you for creating me with the worst sense of direction that anyone could have, so that although I get lost all the time, and that it often takes me longer to get places, I now can appreciate GPS and also if I don't have GPS, I really experience your grace in getting me home. Thank you that you have protected me from getting terribly lost in all my travels. Thank you for our special times of prayer together when I was terribly lost late at night and my phone/GPS had died…that you have always brought me home.

Thank you for that one time I was a dummy and ran out of gas on the side of the road, so that I could experience the help of friends that day and appreciate them even more. and thanks for all the other car problems I have had and how you always provided someone to help me. Thanks that although my wheel popped not he freeway once, it ended up being a great day with Sylvia and we got to talk about the gospel all day while being stuck together.

Thank you for very difficult work hours, Although it might slowly be taking years off my life, at least I know that my body is stronger than I would have imagined, and that if needed, it's ok not to sleep or eat for 24+ hours. There's something about knowing that you have done it before, that it makes other things less difficult sometimes. Thanks that I get paid for those difficult work hours and have so much financial freedom and freedom to be very generous and bless people so much. Although the hours are long, thank you that they are long spent taking care of people and doing something meaningful.

Thank you for my bad sense of smell. because it protects me from so many terrible experiences in the medical field and probably dumbs my taste buds down a little so that I can try and experiment with seemingly disgusting food and enjoy it.

Thank you that I am little, and although it makes me look like a kid and makes my patients suspicious of me, at least it's easy to fit all my clothes easily into small suitcases and travel relatively light compared to most people. Thanks also that I can try on most display shoes and not have to wait often for people to find my shoe size in the back.

Thank you for bad eyesight. because it makes me appreciate living in a country where I can have glasses, unlike other parts of the world where people just live with their blindness. Thanks for contacts too and that I'll get a new body in Heaven.

Thank you that my the suffering in this life will only make Heaven sweeter . And thank you that unlike this world, heaven is forever…even though I can't comprehend what that means

Thank you that my roommate has a really different personality than mine and that we butt heads sometimes. that she is naturally confrontational and more melancholy, but because we love each other and are committed to this friendship, we are learning to work through our differences and talk things out regularly and still be great friends. thanks for using our differences and conflicts to help me deal with sin that otherwise wouldn't be exposed,  learn to be better at loving people and also for providing me a good friend during this time.

Thanks for making me simple minded. even though I wish I could keep up mentally with the brilliant minded ones, for me, life is just easier this way.

Thanks for giving me personally problems so that I can experience wonderful counseling from Dr Armentrout and see how you can use introverted sensitive people to change lives.

Thank you for my personality, that although I hated it for so many years, and that it doesn't fit into the medical mold often, you somehow let me be happier with simple things easier. Thanks that I have met some amazing people with my personality type too and have models of how to be brave even though I'm naturally a wimp and a pushover. thank you that You have not given me a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self discipline.

Thank you for loving me, just as I am.
thank you for being a God who teaches me what love is.
thank You for giving a heart that is alive in you.
thank You that you pursued me and will hold on to me through all my storms. thank
and that I can give thanks in each difficulty because you can beautify these ashes.

my soul clings to You...

Whom have I in heaven but You? and besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever …but as for me, the nearness of God is my good.

Oh God you are my God, earnestly I seek you. My soul thirsts for you my body longs for you, in a dry and dearly land where there is no water…Because Your love is better than life, my lips will praise You…my soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips. When I remember You on my bed I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy. My Soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me. 

My Soul waits in silence for God only, from Him is my salvation.

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God for I shall again praise Him. For the help of His presence. 

Let the bones which you have broken rejoice...The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise. 

Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me. …cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you. 

You have taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?…This I know that God is for me, in God whose word I praise. 

My soul weeps because of tried, strengthen me according to Your word. 

I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord,  I have no good besides You"… The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup…I have set the Lord continually before me…You will make known to me the path of life. In your presence is fullness of joy, in your right hand are pleasures forever. 

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not lack. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me besides quiet waters. He restores my soul..

Bless the Lord, O my soul, all that is within me, bless His holy name.



GREAT ARE YOU LORD by All Sons and Daughters

40 things I am thankful for today.

Today was a really good day. I actually expected it to be a long, stressful, bad day.  I didn't deserve this at all. I'm reminded of CJ Maheny-  that when asked how he is doing, he often says, "better than I deserve." I am a great sinner and often wonder why He would choose me at all, except that His Grace shines so brightly through this cracked pot. And the older I get, the more I need Him.

I wanted to write out thankful blogposts each day, but that is not going to happen. So today, here's what I am thankful for:

1. Getting to work in the hospital this week with good residents who have great attitudes.
2. My 100 year old lady patient with heart failure who stroked my hair today and told me I was the cutest nurse she had ever seen.
3. Getting to work with one intern on his very first month of inpatient service and encourage him after 2 really discouraging weeks.
4 Watch that intern round on 10 patients by himself and do a pretty good job
5. Getting to work with a good friend who happens to be the senior resident on this week.
6. Rounding on 21 patients and still being home by 3pm.
7. Not having any OB the last 2 days!
8. Having a good vaginal delivery a few days ago, ...after pushing for 3 hours most everyone thought she would for sure go to c-section, but she didn't!
9. Watching it snow outside my window in a warm house with scented candles and hot tea
10. Coming home to this same warm house smelling like cinnamon buns that my roommate baked.
11. Eating those cinnamon buns and laughing with awesome roommate
12. My dad telling me be had the best date with my mom fishing and she had a great time.
13. Having baked chicken for dinner.
14. Having the opportunity to prepare and give a lecture on evangelism/sharing the gospel for the interns on Tuesday and also being able to prepare and give a lecture on interpreting EKGs on Wednesday. (Lord, please prepare my heart for this and use these to equip them to better serve you).
15. Getting to live so close to the hospital.
16. That You love me as I am, but promise to not leave me the way I am.
17. For my little brother who loves You so much
18. For godly doctors to learn from
19. for David Crowder worship music playing from an iPhone that i didn't pay for.
20. for my soft bed.
21. For green things
22. For really thoughtful and smart friend who help me reason through things and exercise my brain.
23. for a roommate who is talented worship leader and fills our home with songs of worship.
24. That God is going to take me home someday to be with Him. all the difficult things on this side in light of eternity will be like to one inconvenient night's stay in a bad hotel. then I can go home.
25. for chocolate bons bons in this bad hotel.
26. for trees
27. For His Spirit that lives in me.
28. for the baked chicken I am about to eat.
29. for a high metabolism
30. that God actually hears me when I pray to Him and I can ask Him for anything I want…and He will give me what is good even if the answer is no to what I asked for.
31. for this nice computer to type on
32. For working internet
33. For being Chinese and being able to eat almost everything…so far.
35. for soft PJs
36. that none of the patients died today and are overall generally getting better.
37. That when there are mean people in my life who don't like me, I can pray for them and it really makes it a lot better
38. for this song that is playing right now, saying "when everything falls apart…You are only Hope for this heart" and that it is true.
39. for fuzzy socks
40. that You will work out all things (even the painful and broken parts) for my good..someday. and You are strong enough to do it and keep that promise.

following Abraham up the mountain...

I met for breakfast with a medical student today. She has all the anxiety I had 7 years ago but more spunk.  We spent the morning talking about Abraham offering up Isaac on the altar... Medical school being your Isaac.  It's the lesson that helped me to not go crazy in medical school, a daily surrender as I gave so much of myself to something while not making it an ultimate thing.

...and 7 years later, I'm still learning to follow Abraham up the mountain…again.  It's the same lesson but in a thousand different ways. Tim Keller described how when God saw what Abraham did, He said, "now I know that you love me because you were not willing to withhold your only son." and how we can look at our God now and say the same thing with confidence.  I know that You love me God, because you did not withhold your only begotten Son. I know that You love me.


aside:
There are a lot of what ifs in life. My friend was saying, "Jen, God does not give you grace for the What ifs'. He gives you Grace for What IS."

12am text

My little brother sent me this text at 12:43 am:

"Went to men's ministry breakfast--the elder challenged the men to view their walk with God as a relationship rather than a checklist. That is, our spiritual health ought to be viewed in terms of our relationship with God. Are we growing more intimate with Him, more knowledgable and in love with Him, more desirous to please Him? This was very helpful for me in this sorta dry time feeling like something has been off."

I was so encouraged by this as well. Even though I like my job, I've been feeling a bit burned out with  the longer hours since we are short staffed. But today, thinking about this actually made me excited about going to work. I had a thought "Well God, here we go today" and I really felt like he was sitting in the car with me and we were going to have a great day together…solely because we were together.


On another note, it is exactly 1 month out and I am still sad.

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits
and in His word I put my hope.

He is the Balm of Gilead.

Starting Over Again

Step 1. Repent.
As you are. bring your filthy rags...
and Come.  Come home. Come Messy.
Just Come.

You are Guilty. Don't deny it.
For this He died. You nailed him there.
Hold your hands up, sinner -
and Receive His Grace
Spilled over You
in the precious death of His perfect Son.
the Son of God. killed for you.

It is Enough beloved.
His death is enough
for you.

Breathe.
because You were dead but now you are Alive
Open Your Eyes, once blind
see your crippled legs are healed

Step Out. of the shadowlands
Rise up, Arise!
See the prostitute clothed in white
and given a new name
and a garland of praise on her head
He intends to make her His Bride

His banner over her is love.

An encouraging note from my little brother...

All I know is that God is control of every small thing (Prov. 16:33) and every large thing (Acts 17:36-27). He determines everything and controls everything (ultimately). He does everything according to his wisdom which is too great for us to entirely comprehend (Rom 11:33-36). He also knows us entirely, including our inmost desires (Psalm 139) and what we need (Matt 6:8). He is too powerful to not know every single thing, including everything about us. For us who belong to Him through Christ, we are adopted as His children. The love a parent might have for his/her own is but a shadow of how much God loves us (1 John 3:1, Eph 3:18). He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7), and I think just as a person cares when those he/she loves is hurting, God likewise, cares very much when we also are hurting. And we will never be separated from this love (Rom 8:36-37), as God had planned our relationship with Him from start to finish (Ephesians 1-2), and has established his permanent mercy and grace for us in and through Christ. We are dearly loved by God (just like the title of paul washer’s sermon lawl).  Therefore, knowing everything, determining everything, and loving us as his very children, God will ALWAYS do what is good for us. This is so much so that we are to count it pure joy in our trials (James 1, Rom 5:3-5), as God will use them to mature us and make us firm in Him—who is the Christian’s infallible source of satisfaction, hope, and strength. Nothing will get in the way of God’s love for us, his good intention, or his plan for us (to be His people, now and forever). God will conform marriage or lack of marriage to his good purpose. He will conform missionary work soon or late, or lack of missionary work to his good purpose. (though even what you do in that will be according to what he has prepared for you already—Ephesians 2:10).

            Ya, I was thinking about stuff to encourage you with, but I don’t know if this is an encouragement to you. I know God will comfort you as he always does though. Prayer time I suppose? (Phil 4:6). Which reminds me of the 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 verse. God uses weakness to humble us, to draw us to Himself, to display his grace, and to perfect his power.

Gina of Rubies

Gina is a lady from my church whose perspective on life is always bringing me back to God's heart. I recently went on a trip with her to a third world country. The morning were supposed to leave, she fell down a fight of stairs and was hurt but still able to travel.  She was telling me,

"Jen, it's ok this happened to me. It's a reminder that God sends us in our weakness."

Am I so aware of His strength that I do not fear my inadequacy at all, but all the more throw myself into His strong arms and trust that it is enough?   It is so easy to het caught up in this clay pot, the shape of the pot and smoothing out the cracks, that I forget it's not about this pot at all, it's about Christ in me.  He rescued me in my weakness. He sustains and indeed sends me in it as well. 

Oh Lord, Your praise and renown are the desire of our hearts... not ours but Yours. ..

Debbie the Valiant

Sometimes you just write so you won't forget the stones in the Jordan. And maybe this random blog should be just that, stones in the Jordan, making a pillar to look back on and remember what God has done.

Memory 1: Debbie.

Debbie went on a recent trip with me out of the country. She has an anxiety disorder and fibomylagia (a chronic pain disorder that might or might not be in your head but renders your body hypersensitive to pain and fatigue). She is usually the type of person who is a medical doctor’s worst nightmare.  But over the course of this last week I saw her exert a tremendous amount of Courage.  Now courage is not really about doing hard things, and it is not about be fearless. It is about seeing something and being afraid- but choosing to do it anyways.  She had more fear than all of us combined and she took amazing steps of faith each day. She cried and gripped my hand as the plane took off and landed (and knew she would since she has a fear of flying).  She worked harder than she had ever worked in her life and spoke more boldly than she had ever spoken before. And I saw her change before my eyes. She did not come back the same person. She was a valiant warrior and she was beautiful. When I think about Debbie, I have hope for difficult people...for those that the world would ordinarily give up on…for my patients who are paralyzed in a cycle of helplessness. I have hope for change for them. And then I can also look at my own life and have hope for change from the same Hands.  

Sometimes I know who I am and sometimes I don't. But I know who He is. He is constant, unchanging, and abounding in love...

-anonymous author-

Metamorphosis

Today  I was at my church small group and we were talking about this verse:

"Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

I was struck by how important the word of God is in my transformation and battle against sin. One comment was that our churches (Christians) today are so weak because often they are more focused on an experience and emotional rushes rather than a serious study and meditation on the Word of God.  The renewing of my mind literally brings transformation i.e. metamorphosis- and when we think about the caterpillar turning into a butterfly- it seems a painful struggle in that cocoon ..but only for a little while. I was really encouraged to press on and dig deeper, not just for growth and joy and peace in the Lord, but for transforming things that have such great need to be completely made new.

4 a.m.

Its 4am.  I've been awake since a little after midnight.  So far this morning, I listened to a marvelous sermon (which I missed 2 weeks ago because I was working), paid several bills, planned food for an event at my place tonight.. and wasted brain cells on youtubes posted on Facebook.

backup. It started 8am 2 days ago. I precepted clinic in morning, then at lunch went to the hospital to take Call for the rest of the day and overnight. There was an OB patient in labor all day who delivered at midnight, another who came in severely dehydrated with fetal distress, and another who came in at 2am with preterm labor. Meanwhile 6 new hospital admissions- including a sick 8 month old child with flu, 2 patients with altered mental status, alcoholic withdrawal, a chest pain patient, and an esophageal stricture. Somewhere in there I gave 2 lectures to the day and night interns and finished a powerpoint for a future lecture. I laid down at 4:30a, friday morning, work up (late actually) at 7am, saw some patients and then checked out with the day physician around 8:15am. I went home, spent time with Jesus and slept from 9:30-11:30, talked with my roommate and started my Friday afternoon clinic at 1pm. I was weak and tired, forgot to eat breakfast and lunch since I was post call, but God graciously blessed each encounter I had that afternoon. When I got home, I ate a huge omelet, watched a funny show on Hulu and fell asleep at 7pm.

I will probably go back to sleep soon, then when I wake up I will clean my apartment, shop for food for tonight, host the prayer sendoff for my friends moving to Malawi, and go to bed early again. A patient is coming to church with me tomorrow. Then after church, I will go back to the hospital to take Call and start this process all over.

other goals for today
Buy plane tickets for a friend's Wedding in April
Start a lecture on Pediatric Asthma to give in Egypt.
Make a prayer letter for that trip too.
Read Hosea.

Some might look at this and think I'm manic. Some might be impressed. Some might judge me for being a workaholic. Some might feel sorry for me, some might put me on a pedestal, some might think I'm bragging, others complaining.  Maybe its all those things, maybe its none.

Lord, let this not be for vain glory, as worthless works and empty striving.  I want my life poured out, the wick burned low, to run hard not for the the vanity and approval of men, but for your name and renown.  Check my heart, make it right.

When we cannot go on...

There is something that only suffering can teach me- that is dependence.  I often think to myself, "Lord, give me some rest and then it will be well with my soul. Give me a break, then I will seek Your face. In 3 weeks, when I finally have a free weekend, I'll have retreat with you and then I will taste of Your goodness." But this weariness, this...coming to an end of myself and finding I have no more strength, it leads me to Him. or at least, it  shows the truth of what is in my heart. It brings the impurities of self-sufficiency and self-entitlement to the surface. I have nothing left to give. I am a mess. I am weak.  The only time I experience His provision is when I have need.  When I am strong and all is well around me, when I am well liked and all my needs met by other things-- His strength and sufficiency is a sweet tasting theory. I could sing of His love forever when all is well.  But here and now-  in the trough of life, Lord be strength of my heart, be my portion in this world. It is impossible without You now. I cannot go on without You.

"We were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life, indeed we have the sentence of death within ourselves, so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead"