Surgery for your good...

My baby had tongue tie laser surgery this week. It was really painful for him and we are left with instructions to do tongue and lip stretches every 4 hours for the next month to prevent the wound from closing back to it's original form. Every time we do the stretches, my baby boy screams bloody murder-- I know it hurts him. Probably stings and it even hurts a little for him to eat-- he cries and feeds and cries and feeds. It's so painful to my heart to watch him in pain, but we need to do it so he can eat well, grow and be healthy.  It hurts to know he doesn't know why we are doing it-- he just knows WE are doing it and it hurts. But it's good for him. I don't find any pleasure in his pain.. but it must be done.

This helped me understand a little why God lets us suffer at time. He doesn't find pleasure in my suffering, but allows it so I can grow and be healthy-- ultimately to mature more into His image-- more like Jesus.. for my good. and His glory. I don't always know why or what He's doing. but I can trust He loves me with the heart of a good Father who wants fullness of Joy and Life for his children. He is wise, loving and able. I just have need to trust His heart. 

He will wipe every tear...

At first it seems like God didn't answer my prayers.
Contrary to my prayers, I had a complicated pregnancy.
Contrary to my prayers I had an even more complicated, very painful delivery and recovery.
The most painful week of my life. The PTSD kind of experience.

Its not that God didn't answer or hear me. It's just that he said No. His goals are not a comfortable journey but to conform me to become more like Jesus. To be a more useful tool in His hands. And I am. I am a better doctor because of the gestational diabetes-- having to check my sugars 4x a day and stay on top of a no-carb diet and exercise. I am a better friend because of the painful recovery and delivery-- better able to help other new moms and KNOW just how difficult this process can be. I shed the tears that they will shed. But I now KNOW better how to be a useful help and to come alongside them better.  I am a better wife-- I love my husband much more through seeing him step up and serve me selflessly through this process. I am more thankful -- having needed to accept help from so many people who did what I could not do that first week that I could barely walk. I am more aware of my need for help and for the Lord-- a good place to be-- dependent on Him.

And in the quit moments of holding my precious little one, I am praying.. more than the many months before. Hours of holding him -- unable to do much else-- but hold him and pray.

...to hold him and learn to trust Him-- that even when He says No, He has all Authority in heaven and earth and is with me every day. Every moment and happening is filtered through his loyal furious love for me and works for my good. Ultimately these tears are for His glory and my Joy.  And He will keep all his Promises to me, for even when we are faithless, He is faithful for he cannot deny himself.

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

Isaiah 40:11 NIV

Regarding Motherhood

It came upon me quickly and I was not ready for it.

5 weeks early and with the most painful week of my life, tiny premature Isaiah Zaccheus Lee entered this great big world.  I was his and he was mine.  I had no control over what happened that week, the complications, the decisions that were made, the prolonged recovery that I very much underestimated. Tears. Lots of tears. And also the providence of God in places unexpected. A new doctor who joined our practice 2 months early and just a few weeks before the birth- who could take over my practice while I was away.  In-laws who came every day so I could shower and nap. A church small group and neighbors that brought us dinner every day and visited with us.  The pain clouded my thanksgiving but I am thankful now. And my mom who flew in to help for the next several weeks. And for sweet dear friends who have helped me more than they know-- Lindsay with her soul care cards- soo encouraging! And a healthy son, despite his more difficult feeding routine. Teaching me ... patience. teaching me the love of God. teaching me that I have no control. teaching me to pray. Teaching me to cry out to the One has already laid out the life plans for this child.

Our lives will be never be the same. We will forever have a son. For the next 18 years, this tiny human roommate will grow and I will need to take account of him in everything I do and every place I go.

Good thing he is cute. I am not a "baby-person" but I have the cutest baby.
And I have choice but to hold him upright for hours each day to prevent him from vomiting. A new time to pray and think and listen and perhaps if I become disciplined enough- to read and grow.

Baptism-- not just to immerse but to soak and saturate with-- like with pickling. I want to use this time to soak and saturate my soul with Jesus. God knows I need it.

Can I still go to Heaven ?

She was a new patient to me and just came in for a refill of her birth control. I asked her about her medical history and she stated she was healthy without any problems, typical for a 19 year old. Well.. except she was having irregular cycles since she had an abortion last year. 

Me: “Oh, Im sorry to hear that” I said. “How are you doing since then?”  She said she was doing ok, without any apparent emotions. 

“How far along were you?” I asked 

Her: “about 13 weeks.” she began to tear up, “I didn't know how far along I was at the time. I looked up a picture of a 13 week baby on google and if I had known what it looked like, I would have kept the baby.”

I was quiet for a little bit and mentioned that we all have regrets and things we would have done differently if we were to go back and do it again. We talked a little more about the details and her life. It came out that she grew up Baptist. 

Then, she said, “Im not sure if I can go to heaven anymore” 

Me “ What did you learn about Heaven and forgiveness growing up”

Her: “Well, I guess that God is supposed to forgive me, but I don't know”

Me: “Well, the Bible says that God can forgive us, not because we are good or do the right things, but because of what Jesus did for us.  Do you know what he did for you?” 

I was able to explain to her the good news of the gospel and why Christ had to die for sinners like us. I was amazed at the look she had on her face, wide eyed and genuinely interested. She told me that no one had ever explained it like that before. I asked her about the 2 types of lives people choose to live (one where Christ is received as savior and King and one where Christ was not the Savior or King. She felt like she was somewhere in the middle but wanted Christ to be the King. She felt like she needed to talk about it with her boyfriend first though so I showed her what to if she ever wanted to make that decision on her own. 

One of her questions before she left. 

“How often of you pray? How often am I supposed to pray?”

We had a sweet shot conversation about prayer and that it is just talking to God like a friend. He wants to hear from us and loves hear and answer.  Then, we prayed.  She gave me a hug. 

thank you, Jesus. 

occurred on 10/5/18

Wake up Oh Sleeper and wipe your eyes clear of the worthless accolades of men and the securities of this fallen world. The crust is covering your lids, like scales, thick.  Rise out of that drugged-up yellow-smoke-inhaled- daze. So enchanted by your own kingdom, sacrificing to the enticing but lying god of "comfort". Oh that thief god, he stole your joy and left you half dead on the street corner, emaciated but still holding out your vein for another hit. And when the Shepherd came and offered you food and a warm bed in His home, you cried out "give me money, money money" through ungrateful cracked lips, so that you could buy more of the same poison.

Behold, He comes. Too clean to be touched by your dirty hands. He is so close now. He is looking into your eyes. He whispers your name. He is stooping down and pulling you to His chest and weeping over you. He calls you his beloved and although you betrayed Him, prostituting yourself to every other god, He is kissing your face. He carries you home, wrapped in his white garment. He reaffirms his vow of loyal love to you. wake up. 

Dreams, murderers and Jesus...

I had a terribly violent but remarkable dream. I was in a clothing store and suddenly there were groups of armed militant men from the Middle East filling the store. The store became darker and I hid behind some clothing while the men began killing everyone in the store, including one of my best friends who was with me. I was able to escape and somehow discovered that my parents also had been killed. I was running and found myself in a dark room. Suddenly there He was- Jesus- standing in front of me with light around Him- and he reached out and embraced me with the most comforting hug. I remember feeling like everything would be ok. He then left and I was on my way. There was another scene with a murderer - a man like the Joker- but without the makeup, standing in an art gallery room alone with his head down. The door opened and an art teacher called out to him an then the murderer stabbed him in the neck and killed him. I don't know what triggered these dreams but I felt that being visited by Jesus in this one was meaningful to me and wanted to remember it here. 

30 days of thanksgiving Day 1

Thank You Lord for my husband Brian. Thank you that He is a kind, loving, thoughtful, gentle man who loves you and wants to follow and obey you. Thank you for our morning walks and talks, our wacky talky thursdays and getting to go to sleep and wake up together. Thank you for his love and affection and for letting marriage be better than I expected so far. Thanks that we got to celebrate with a beautiful wedding (also more beautiful, fun, and better than expected), and also a fun honeymoon (also more sweet and fun than expected).