Not a Deist

 He was 26 and a little depressed. Being human was hard sometimes and pretty busy. I knew his dad who was a Christian and actively involved with the church. It was his first time seeing a doctor in many years. When I asked him about his faith background he said he grew up with religion but it's not for him now.. but he was "spiritual" and liked to think there was a purpose to life... but - no- , he wasn't a "deist or anything"  He then apologist for "taking so much more than he thought he would about it." Later when I asked if it would be helpful if I prayed for him he asked me, "do your other patients like it when you pray for them?"

"Well, if they want me to pray for them, usually they find it helpful. I only pray with people who want me to pray with them. It's just something I offer, but only for people who want it" 

he said, "well yeah!" and then had a pretty long list of things he really could use prayer for. 

Pretty long I think for someone who doesn't really believe in God. 

God, I pray for this man, that you would pursue him and take hold of his life so he knows You are the One he needs. You are the One who gives us purpose. 

for the grandkids

He came for his annual exam. Nothing special to talk about. Some skin issues and a cough. The last visit I had seen him was 2 years ago and it was mostly unremarkable. He had declined prayer at that time. 

me: "So I remember you're not religious. Did you have a bad experience in the past?"

him: "yeah- I grew up JW.  It wasn't ..the best... Religion is just not my thing now" 

me: "Yeah, well, we are all on our own Journey. Some of us have bad experiences with religion. I like that Jesus didn't necessarily come to bring "religion" and rules, but relationship. 

him: "It's funny you bring it up... actually I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Because now that we have grandkids, I've been wanting to get back into, well.. just something... for them. "

... My kids, well, they are basically atheists because I didn't teach them anything because I had problems with it.. but they never had the choice really.  I don't want my grandkids to be like that... I want them to have a choice.,  But I sort of feel like a hypocrite trying to tell my kids that since I was so against it all when they were growing up. I'm just not really sure what to do about that now"

me: You could perhaps pray and ask God to show you what to do... I'm sure He'd actually be really happy  to hear from you"

him: silence then "hmmfff"

me: Remember the prodigal son story?" Where that son runs off and spends all his dad's money and is wanting to come home?

him: Oh Yeah, I know that story, I know all the stories. 

me: Yeah, remember how it ends?  He came home thinking his dad would be mad at him, but when he finally decided to come back, his dad saw him and ran to him and hugged him and welcomed him home.. that's how God is for all of us when we come to Him. 

him: yeah. 

me: well, there's this neat website that you might like to check out. It's called everyperson.com

It was written by an Athiest who had a lot of questions but ended but finding God in the end. You might like it

him- that sounds interesting. thanks for this, I'll check it out

me: would it be helpful if I prayed for you today before you do home?

him: no thanks. 

the COVID19 Widow

She sat in my office, a new widow at 59. Her husband died of COVID19 last month and she lived alone. We talked about her health, her blood pressure, her lab work. She was teary eyed. It was clearly a difficult season in her life. I remembered she grew up Catholic. 

I asked "Is your faith a big part of your life? Has it been helping you ?" 

She said, "That was a long time ago. My parents were religious but I wasn't.  I haven't paid much attention to it for some time. I was thinking now that I am alone, I would try again... maybe a different kind of church though. "

I shared with her, "I went to church for a long time and never really understood how to connect with God much. It was a lot of rules and rituals, but I remember when someone did share with me the big picture of How to connect with God--  that really helped me a lot. Would you like me to share that BIG PICTURE explanation of How we connect with God and get closer to Him?" 

"Yeah, I think that might help me"

I had the opportunity to share the gospel with this hurting woman today. At the end,  I showed her the 2 circles/types of people.  she said she was on the left (life without Jesus and leading her own life) but wanted to be on the right (life with Jesus , forgiven and letting Him lead her life) .  She said she wanted to cross over today... and we prayed for that end. 

"wow, that was really special" she said. 

"It's just the beginning " I said. Today is the beginning of your new Life with Jesus as your best friend and He will never leave you.  The rest of your life is a life of getting to know Him more , learn about Him and enjoy life with Him" 

Dear God, I pray that you would let Your truth sing deep in her heart. I pray that the enemy would not steal these seeds away and she would truly KNOW you and follow you. Bring her into your church  and surround her with people who will help her in this new life. 

follow up 6 weeks for HTN.  to be continued...

If it had not been for the pain...

When I called my mom, I was hurting. 

I cried and asked her to come help me 4 weeks early. 

She came and we had the most peaceful, healing 4 weeks together. 

Healing that has been needed for about 20 years. 

Only God knew what He was doing in the pain. 

Had I not had the cesarean and poor anesthesia and complications, I would not have cried out.

Had I not cried out, she would not have come.

Had she not come, I would have missed out on this precious month together. 

-month that has changed my relationship with my mom and how I see her. 

 something better to remember her for forever. 

#stonesfortheJordan

Surgery for your good...

My baby had tongue tie laser surgery this week. It was really painful for him and we are left with instructions to do tongue and lip stretches every 4 hours for the next month to prevent the wound from closing back to it's original form. Every time we do the stretches, my baby boy screams bloody murder-- I know it hurts him. Probably stings and it even hurts a little for him to eat-- he cries and feeds and cries and feeds. It's so painful to my heart to watch him in pain, but we need to do it so he can eat well, grow and be healthy.  It hurts to know he doesn't know why we are doing it-- he just knows WE are doing it and it hurts. But it's good for him. I don't find any pleasure in his pain.. but it must be done.

This helped me understand a little why God lets us suffer at time. He doesn't find pleasure in my suffering, but allows it so I can grow and be healthy-- ultimately to mature more into His image-- more like Jesus.. for my good. and His glory. I don't always know why or what He's doing. but I can trust He loves me with the heart of a good Father who wants fullness of Joy and Life for his children. He is wise, loving and able. I just have need to trust His heart. 

He will wipe every tear...

At first it seems like God didn't answer my prayers.
Contrary to my prayers, I had a complicated pregnancy.
Contrary to my prayers I had an even more complicated, very painful delivery and recovery.
The most painful week of my life. The PTSD kind of experience.

Its not that God didn't answer or hear me. It's just that he said No. His goals are not a comfortable journey but to conform me to become more like Jesus. To be a more useful tool in His hands. And I am. I am a better doctor because of the gestational diabetes-- having to check my sugars 4x a day and stay on top of a no-carb diet and exercise. I am a better friend because of the painful recovery and delivery-- better able to help other new moms and KNOW just how difficult this process can be. I shed the tears that they will shed. But I now KNOW better how to be a useful help and to come alongside them better.  I am a better wife-- I love my husband much more through seeing him step up and serve me selflessly through this process. I am more thankful -- having needed to accept help from so many people who did what I could not do that first week that I could barely walk. I am more aware of my need for help and for the Lord-- a good place to be-- dependent on Him.

And in the quit moments of holding my precious little one, I am praying.. more than the many months before. Hours of holding him -- unable to do much else-- but hold him and pray.

...to hold him and learn to trust Him-- that even when He says No, He has all Authority in heaven and earth and is with me every day. Every moment and happening is filtered through his loyal furious love for me and works for my good. Ultimately these tears are for His glory and my Joy.  And He will keep all his Promises to me, for even when we are faithless, He is faithful for he cannot deny himself.

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

Isaiah 40:11 NIV

Regarding Motherhood

It came upon me quickly and I was not ready for it.

5 weeks early and with the most painful week of my life, tiny premature Isaiah Zaccheus Lee entered this great big world.  I was his and he was mine.  I had no control over what happened that week, the complications, the decisions that were made, the prolonged recovery that I very much underestimated. Tears. Lots of tears. And also the providence of God in places unexpected. A new doctor who joined our practice 2 months early and just a few weeks before the birth- who could take over my practice while I was away.  In-laws who came every day so I could shower and nap. A church small group and neighbors that brought us dinner every day and visited with us.  The pain clouded my thanksgiving but I am thankful now. And my mom who flew in to help for the next several weeks. And for sweet dear friends who have helped me more than they know-- Lindsay with her soul care cards- soo encouraging! And a healthy son, despite his more difficult feeding routine. Teaching me ... patience. teaching me the love of God. teaching me that I have no control. teaching me to pray. Teaching me to cry out to the One has already laid out the life plans for this child.

Our lives will be never be the same. We will forever have a son. For the next 18 years, this tiny human roommate will grow and I will need to take account of him in everything I do and every place I go.

Good thing he is cute. I am not a "baby-person" but I have the cutest baby.
And I have choice but to hold him upright for hours each day to prevent him from vomiting. A new time to pray and think and listen and perhaps if I become disciplined enough- to read and grow.

Baptism-- not just to immerse but to soak and saturate with-- like with pickling. I want to use this time to soak and saturate my soul with Jesus. God knows I need it.