of hope and hopelessness...

There is always hope. even when I don't feel like it… because my eyes are not His eyes.

1. She sat in my exam room and refused to lift her eyes. She said her husband beats her regularly, and she had no friends because he had slowly made her cut off contact with everyone she loved. She thought she loved him. She bailed him out of jail last year and used all her money to pay for that. She said when she did that, she cut all her ties with people who initially wanted to help her get away from him. She has 5 kids at home. He is their only source of income. She was working, but he made her quit.    When I asked her who she can call for help, she says there is "no one. Even if I run to the police and they take him away, I have no where to go with my kids. I can't afford the house we live in, no affordable apartment will take me with 5 kids, and the woman's shelter for people like me, I've been there before …and well, I'd rather endure the beating. " 

2. He is schizophrenic, unkept and is asking for pain medications for his chronic inflammatory bowel disease. I can see all the scars from his multiple surgeries. I look at the records. He has been in and out of ERs twice a month for the last year. He has to live with the pain because he is too unreliable to take controlled medications. He says he wants to just die because he can't live with the pain anymore. But I know no one will give someone like him pain meds. and he wants to die. 

3. She is 85 years old. She retired form being a missionary 5 years ago after serving 35 years in the Philippines. She retired at 80. She says it was so hard for her to leave, much harder than it was for her to initially go so many years ago. She has joy and a sharp mind still. She comes to my office every 6 months and for the last 2 years has refused any medications even though her blood pressure is out the roof. She says she is ready to die, but with a smile. She prayed for me today. She gives me hope.

Tonight I just delivered a healthy baby girl into the arms of a mother who smoked pot her whole pregnancy and missed most of her prenatal care.

there is always hope...