He will wipe every tear...

At first it seems like God didn't answer my prayers.
Contrary to my prayers, I had a complicated pregnancy.
Contrary to my prayers I had an even more complicated, very painful delivery and recovery.
The most painful week of my life. The PTSD kind of experience.

Its not that God didn't answer or hear me. It's just that he said No. His goals are not a comfortable journey but to conform me to become more like Jesus. To be a more useful tool in His hands. And I am. I am a better doctor because of the gestational diabetes-- having to check my sugars 4x a day and stay on top of a no-carb diet and exercise. I am a better friend because of the painful recovery and delivery-- better able to help other new moms and KNOW just how difficult this process can be. I shed the tears that they will shed. But I now KNOW better how to be a useful help and to come alongside them better.  I am a better wife-- I love my husband much more through seeing him step up and serve me selflessly through this process. I am more thankful -- having needed to accept help from so many people who did what I could not do that first week that I could barely walk. I am more aware of my need for help and for the Lord-- a good place to be-- dependent on Him.

And in the quit moments of holding my precious little one, I am praying.. more than the many months before. Hours of holding him -- unable to do much else-- but hold him and pray.

...to hold him and learn to trust Him-- that even when He says No, He has all Authority in heaven and earth and is with me every day. Every moment and happening is filtered through his loyal furious love for me and works for my good. Ultimately these tears are for His glory and my Joy.  And He will keep all his Promises to me, for even when we are faithless, He is faithful for he cannot deny himself.

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

Isaiah 40:11 NIV

Regarding Motherhood

It came upon me quickly and I was not ready for it.

5 weeks early and with the most painful week of my life, tiny premature Isaiah Zaccheus Lee entered this great big world.  I was his and he was mine.  I had no control over what happened that week, the complications, the decisions that were made, the prolonged recovery that I very much underestimated. Tears. Lots of tears. And also the providence of God in places unexpected. A new doctor who joined our practice 2 months early and just a few weeks before the birth- who could take over my practice while I was away.  In-laws who came every day so I could shower and nap. A church small group and neighbors that brought us dinner every day and visited with us.  The pain clouded my thanksgiving but I am thankful now. And my mom who flew in to help for the next several weeks. And for sweet dear friends who have helped me more than they know-- Lindsay with her soul care cards- soo encouraging! And a healthy son, despite his more difficult feeding routine. Teaching me ... patience. teaching me the love of God. teaching me that I have no control. teaching me to pray. Teaching me to cry out to the One has already laid out the life plans for this child.

Our lives will be never be the same. We will forever have a son. For the next 18 years, this tiny human roommate will grow and I will need to take account of him in everything I do and every place I go.

Good thing he is cute. I am not a "baby-person" but I have the cutest baby.
And I have choice but to hold him upright for hours each day to prevent him from vomiting. A new time to pray and think and listen and perhaps if I become disciplined enough- to read and grow.

Baptism-- not just to immerse but to soak and saturate with-- like with pickling. I want to use this time to soak and saturate my soul with Jesus. God knows I need it.