Thy word I have treasured in my heart…

I heard a talk today about the problem of having more responsibilities than you are competent to carry.

I've been feeling like this lately. this lecture where people are paying money to come and hear. I am no ethicist and have so little qualifications to give it. Being faculty at this program with residents who are smarter than me. I am teaching them and have so much to learn still. Thoughts of going overseas to teach and disciple when my life is a far cry from being the model of what I know it should be.  Going to Iraq in just a few weeks but not sure that I have anything to offer these people who know more about suffering than my entire life can even touch the fringes of. Dealing with my own selfishness, disobedience, lack of self-control and the other sin battles that will not stop the guerrilla warfare on my soul. Then I heard the familiar voice of the liar, who speaks condemnation to me. And anxiously I cried out to Lord and asked Him for a Word of truth.

and this I recalled to mind. an small passage I had memorized many years back:

"Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves but our adequacy is from God, who also has made us adequate as servants of a new covenant."

Then quietness.  His voice was sure.  And meanwhile a sweet reminder for me of the power of scripture memorization and the need for more of it in my life. 

Psalm 34:18

18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.

I run into Your strong arms, Oh Lord. 

Yesterday

----------------------------
She sat in my exam room. 60 years old, worn and tired … a burned out candle.  A Missionary in China for 30 years... full of so much anxiety, depression and anger. She told me she knew more than all the counselors combined (she was getting a pHD in counseling) and has refused any more counseling recommendations. She says she has been to a countless Christian counselors and they have all given up on her.  She also declines any medications for her clinical depression. I asked her, "You tell me what you think is causing your depression, inability to sleep, chronic fatigue and anger? "

She tells me, "A broken heart."

-------------------------------

She is 19 years old and has a complicated pregnancy.  She has three children all by different fathers who are lost to her. Her urine drug screens are always positive and she smoked through each pregnancy. She disappeared for about a month and the emergency number listed rings a "friend" who says she will never be back and don't try to find her. ..she doesn't want to be found" . She needs weekly specialist care, but barely shows up to the remote rural clinic that is offering her basic OB care.  I drove an hour out of town to precept this small clinic full of broken mothers, almost none of them own or drive a car. I don't even know how they get to their appointments most of the time.

Like a ghost, she walked through the clinic doors today. … with a man who looked 20years her senior and smelled like urine. The resident told me "She met him online last week and has moved in with him."

------------------------------------

Last night- both after midnight--  God let me deliver 2 beautiful babies into this world. He will be their only hope and light in this dark place.