pretending

I grew up in a home trying to be the perfect Chinese daughter. Never cause trouble, say the right things, follow the rules, get perfect grades, help protect the façade that your family was perfect, especially at church. And it looked like that from the outside, but when I would come home, there would be yelling, breaking things, a lot of crying. So even from the start I knew this life was a lie. All my significance came from my A+ performance, and it was an exhausting and impossible front to keep up. I heard the gospel for the first time in Sunday school. When I finally understood that I was a broken dirty-hearted sinner, without any hope of being able to fix or save myself, I knew it was one of the truest things I had ever heard. So He had mercy and rescued me, and gave me a life where I didn’t have to pretend anymore.

Sometimes, 20 years later, I still find myself pretending. It often presents in me as a troubled depressed spirit, afraid and weighed down. But God gives me freedom and rest when I honestly come as I am, and repent of those things that I am putting my hope and self worth in that are outside of Jesus. When I lift my head, I find His saving grace, and remember how loved and cherished I am by Him.